lessons.

I've been a parent for 10 and a half years.
Wait. 
I've been a parent for 10 and a half years??!

No wonder I'm almost insane.  (Shush.)

Anyway, along the way I’ve learned a lot of important lessons that I think some of you younger, newer parents might appreciate and find useful, and I thought I'd share a few of the most valuable here with you.  Take note, ye parents of preschoolers - what you learn here might just save you time, money, and at the very least, your vacuum cleaner.

• Birthday party goody bags were invented by the devil. So were juice box straws.

• No matter how hard you try, you will never, ever be able to get Polly Pocket’s clothes on her without ripping them or snapping her head or legs off.

• Super Glue does not hold Polly Pocket's head onto her impossibly tiny neck. But it does a fine job of 

sticking it to your fingers for about three hours.

• Contrary to what Mattel tries to tell you, the real purpose of Barbie shoes is to jam your vacuum and choke your cat. Same goes for Legos.

• Playing Candyland with a pre-schooler for 30 minutes is worse than spending an entire day at Six Flags with a tequila hangover.

• Contrary to popular belief, feeding your child noodles and butter and grilled cheese sandwiches pretty much every night for 15 years does not stunt their growth. Same goes for Cap'n Crunch.

• Taking a four year old little girl into a public restroom and trying to keep her tiny, wiggly fanny from touching the toilet seat is about as sanitary of an experience as rubbing her legs with the wrappers that stick out of the "special" trashcan (which I guarantee you she will grab - every time).

• No matter how much money you spend at Gymboree or GapKids, your child will choose the crappy shirt from Target with the peeling Little Mermaid decal on the front or the red glitter flats every time you leave the house.

• By the time your child is three, you will seriously question Margaret Wise Brown’s sobriety.

• When your kids (and God forbid, their little friends) want to “put on a show” for you, make sure a grab a bottle of wine before it starts. And a Xanax.

• Don’t let the makers of Pull-Ups fool you - because they won’t fool your toddler.

• It is possible to get in a decent nap while "watching" The Backyardigans, just make sure the volume is low enough so that damn Uniqua doesn't appear in your dreams.

• When traveling with a baby, a little Benadryl in the bottle will make the trip much more enjoyable.

• If you want to continue to be able to shop at your closest Target, keep the popcorn/icee combos to a minimum. There's only so many times the employees will smile at you while cleaning that shit up. 

• Playing hide-n-seek is a terrific indoor family activity when you want to finish that book you started or take a nap. Until they’re around nine, your kids will wait for you to find them for hours.

• Don’t be fooled by stuffed animals. As the years progress they’ll multiply faster than the Duggars and before you know it you’re hoarding them in tubs in your basement where they cry every night because their "person" outgrew them, but because you and your kids have seen Toy Story 200 times you can never ever give them away.

• Do not ever let your kids watch Toy Story.

• No matter how old your kids get, there will still be little plastic shit embedded in the carpet in the direct path to their room that the soft insole of your foot invariably will find when you stumble there to soothe a 4 a.m. nightmare scream.

• McDonalds Happy Meal toys are a piece of crap.

• Keep your child in diapers as long as you possibly can. Otherwise you will never, ever eat a hot meal at a restaurant again (or see a zoo animal...or ride a ride at Disneyworld...or get to watch an entire movie...).

• You will never, ever organize all those pictures. Stop trying.

• Knowing when to pick your battles is key, and changes with age:

3 years old - Let her wear the ratty Sleeping Beauty nightgown with her black patent mary janes to pre-school. Tell her teachers that her father dressed her. Again.

10 years old - Make her wing it on the 5th grade math test after she defiantly tells you you're doing it all wrong when you attempt to help her with her long division.  The bad grade she'll get won't keep her out of a good college, and will give you the always fun moment of being right.

16 years old - Do not touch the laundry that has been gathering on her floor for the past month (and that is the cause of the dead rodent smell coming from her room). When she runs out of socks or underwear and her jeans stand up on their own, hand her the jug of TIDE and walk away. And make sure to hide your own clothes.

• Bedtime backscratches know no age and never get old.

Believe me when I tell you the time will pass as quickly as everyone (like me) tells you. Enjoy the journey and remember.... don't sweat the small stuff.

happy holidays! whatevs...

Someone needs to pull my mother card.

My daughter... with all the sarcasm I've taught her, said to me "Well...that was a pret-ty exciting St. Patrick's Day."

I know. Whatever, I'm not a big St. Patrick's Day kind of a person. Number one.. it’s my mom’s birthday… so we never really celebrated the holiday.  We had cake.  Number two… I’m not Irish.  Yeah... everyone is Irish on St. Patty's day... blah blah blah.

Some of my friends posted pictures on Instagram of green streamers all over their kitchen and tables covered in shamrocks. Yeah… That's downright adorable.

I saw a picture on Facebook of a friend who dyed her white dog green. Yep… It's gonna take forever for that to grow out.

You guys, I've totally gotten lame. But.. It happens to the best of us.

From the time my kids were toddlers, I've turned every freakin' holiday into Christmas morning. I hang hearts from the ceiling and scatter glittery heart confetti on the tables in February, dye more eggs than we'll ever use (even the raw ones) in April, paint American flags on cheeks and tie red, white & blue ribbons in ponytails in July, cut out construction paper pumpkins and witches and cover everything I can with cottony spider webbing in October and make "Thankful Trees" &/or color "Thankful Turkeys" in November.

But I'm gonna be honest.

I've gotten kind of sick of it, and as the years go on I find that I do less and less. But, my daughter’s somewhat dejected comment left me thinking. I'm kind of exhausted of holidays. Doesn't it seem like they're getting closer together?

Maybe it's because my kids are a little older and I've got so many under my belt by now, but I'm kind of craving a holiday where I don't have to decorate and buy candy and make a giant freakin' deal out of it. As I'm sure you know (and if you are a man will admit), the pressure to make every little holiday magical and memorable lies squarely on the mama's shoulders, and this mama is getting a little burned out. Social media only fuels it. I blame Pinterest.

And Easter is next weekend, you say?

Crap. Better go dig out the tubs and set out the bunnies and plastic eggs and baskets with pink cellophane grass. I'm just glad I don't have green chalk footprints all over my wood floors to clean up before then.

How old are would you be if you didn't know how old you were?

I’m a firm believer that you are only as old as you feel, and that the number that is your age doesn’t really mean anything unless you want to drive a car, buy some beer or get a discount on show tickets.  I love this saying -

 “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?”

However, with my birthday quickly approaching and the odometer of my life about to click over another digit, I've recently been reflecting, reminiscing and frankly, getting a little somber at the number that is staring me in the face (which may or may not have something to do with the fact that I have recently learned that I've started to lose hearing at high frequencies, which disturbs me more than a little but that my wonderful family finds absolutely hilarious - especially when they "talk" to each other around me by only moving their lips).

I'll happily welcome the extra year as opposed to the alternative, and truly am looking forward to the years and experiences ahead, but for some reason I've spent a whole lot of time lately thinking of the sum of the years...and life...that have already flown past.

There's a song I've liked for awhile by Brad Paisley (haters go ahead and skip this part, but it really is a sweet song) called "Letter to Me". It's not so much the song itself but the lyrics I love -

For a few years, every time I've listened to this song, I think about how fantastic it would be to be able to pull off -  kind of like "Back to the Future", but without the DeLorean (we might still need that flux capacitor, however).

I don't have many complaints from my teenage years. Oh, there was the summer between my freshman and sophomore years (no need to worry. I adjusted...eventually), the fact that I spent tenth - twelfth grades fervently wishing that a boy would notice me (but was way too terrified to put myself out there), and there was that whole leggings and maternity sweater phase of '86, but other than that I think I made it through relatively unscathed. 

But still. Now that I'm on the other side of all these years and experiences, and what with another birthday close by, I figure it is time to fill that scrunchie wearing, pom-pom wielding, Erasure loving, innocent little girl in on a few things (thanks, Brad).  

Dear me,

It's me (you? Crap, I'm already confusing myself...yourself?).

I know that thinking of 10 years (not to mention 20 or 25) from now seems ridiculously distant and you can hardly do more than imagine and dream of what might be (and no, I'm not writing this from a Jetson-esk futuristic home or from a flying car...but we do have some pretty kick-ass stuff that will blow. your. mind.) but I'm here to tell you a few things that might just come in handy on the journey you are about to embark on.

Before you know it you will be fortysomething (and sorry, but as much as you hoped, during those thirtysomething years you did not live in Buffalo, marry and have two cute baby girls, and advise/feed/comfort various friends/relatives/co-workers), your kids will be well on their way to being grown up and independent, and you will be left to record/vent/share your inner dialogue (some things don't change) with the mildly interested public on a blog (don't even ask).

So here's some pieces of advice - a "heads up" if you will -  for you...er...me:

Be careful what you wish for in the romance department.  Not all boys who seem like princes actually own crowns.  

However, when you see that cute dark haired boy in the yellow Polo shirt walking toward you, and your friend introduces you and you have your very first conversation with him, take the time to fully soak in and remember every detail of that moment (trust me).

There will be about a 2 or 3 year span in the early 90’s where you think you look awesome in overalls (long, short, denim, corduroy…doesn’t matter).  You do not. 

Ditto for large hair bows and chambray shirts embroidered with Looney-Tunes characters.

Travel more before you have kids. You can afford it. Find a way.

Your boobs have really stopped growing. That's it. All there is. 

Take more risks. Try new things. It's okay to make a mistake or two.

You will raise your family in BUFFALO.  Stop crying. 

When your family goes to Disneyworld and the little one starts throwing up, ABORT the trip, cut your losses and GET HOME ASAP.  It is not an isolated incident and despite the buckets of Purell and the thought that 'surely the rest of us won't get it', you will. One by vomiting one. 

 35 is not old. It's not. Stop arguing with me.

One Appletini is delicious, two Appletinis are divine, but three Appletinis are a disaster. (I know you will not listen to me, though. You never do when Appletinis are concerned.)

When you graduate high school, then college, hug your family and friends extra tight.  You won't ever get back to those times and experiences and the wonderfully mundane routine of the daily connections.

So here's the deal in a nutshell - 

You will not marry Simon LeBon (it's okay, he gets a little bloated looking), become the next Mary Hart, or attend the Academy Awards (yet), but the family and life you will have will be more incredible and fulfilling than anything I know that you are hoping for. 

As you continue on through these teenage years, and people keep telling you that these are the best years of your life, I'm here to tell you that they are lying. 

To borrow a line from a song that you'll listen to one day, I can tell you with certainty -

"...have no fear, these are nowhere near the best years of your life."

So stop worrying so much..buckle up...and enjoy every minute of the ride.

Love, 

me....you?....me.

some reasons why my sister is awesome..

I'm writing this today with my sister, Jennifer in mind. I was going make this a numbered post, but I really don't feel like leaving it so close ended... so... here we go!

She talks more than anyone I know, expect maybe myself.

She keeps me grounded, and is quick to point out when I'm being completely stupid and ridiculous.

Sometimes she's wont answer my questions so I can answer them myself.

She's pretty much the smartest person I know.

She gets all my really bad jokes, and the good ones... and always understands my ridiculous sense of humor.

She likes the same stuff that I do, same movies, same TV, same music... yep.. imagine that!

She likes cupcakes. Enough said.

As well as being super smart, she also has a really good sense of style.

She's one of a few people I trust to give me the most honest advice and to critique stuff for me, because of said honesty.

She's taught me how to be patient.

She consistently calls me.

She stands for righteousness and truth.

She is not afraid to correct me.  Even if it means I get mad.

Basically... she's my best friend.

<3 you Jennifer. :)

stuff my kids will never ever say....

All mommies please repeat after me:

"I shall maintain a sense of humor about all things motherhood, for without it, I recognize that I may end up institutionalized."

Ok... so.... I've compiled a list. Mostly because I hear the exact opposite of all of these things at least once a day. In a perfect world....

1. Mommy is on the phone right now, so let’s entertain ourselves quietly.

2. I know where my shoes are!

3. I’m going to play with my toys now. I really do have so many of them.

4. You’re making what for dinner? YUM!

5. That puddle would make an awfully big mess. I’m not going to stomp in it.

6. We’re going to be in the car for five hours? Let me pee first.

7. I’m too full for dessert.

8. I have a lot of homework tonight, I should get started. And of course I'll read before bed!

9. Can I have some dental floss?

10. We all decided that we want to watch the same thing on TV.

11. Thank you for that yummy lunch! I didn’t trade any of it at the cafeteria.

12. You’re so much more fun than Daddy.

13. Let’s get those thank you notes over with!

14. I’ve had enough electronics for the day.

15. I have a class project due two weeks from now.

16. I’m ready for bed.

17. I don’t care what my friends are allowed to have or do.

18. What did you ask me to do before? I want to made sure I go and do it.

19. I’m really enjoying this long car ride.

20. I need to wash my hands.

21. I’ll take the smallest piece, please.

22. You’re in the bathroom? OK, I’ll wait to ask you my unimportant question.

23. We don’t have school tomorrow? That stinks.

24. There’s so much to do in this house!

25. We’re going to be late, let’s go!

And you wonder why I love wine?  Happy Friday! :)

crazy mom...

Sooooo... as I sit here and feel my blood pressure rising... I'm going to write.  Takes my mind off stuff and will hopefully allow me to cool down.

Sometimes, no matter what you do for your child with life threatening food allergies, there will be mistakes at school. To me it seems simple: If X can kill a kid then do not have that around said kid! I don’t care what that thing is… DEAD KID = VERY BAD!

I totally get that unless you live the life of a person with severe food allergies... you don’t get how dangerous it can be physically or emotionally.  I don't want sympathy... I've always said that if this is the worst I have to deal with when it comes to my kids.. I'm grateful.  I do get that a lot of people can’t wrap their head around the fact that a small protein of food can kill someone. They probably don’t have anyone in their family that has allergies. They may associate indigestion with spicy foods to allergies. Or they may just simply love their food more than my kid’s safety. Either way I try really hard to be patient, provide alternatives and educate them… but sometimes people just don’t get it.

Anaphylactic shock is something you have to fight to prevent... and takes modification to your lifestyle to stay safe. There is only so much in your control. Food is everywhere and the slightest mix-up can make someone stop breathing and lose their life in minutes. To say that it is scary is an understatement. It scares the shit out of me in ways I cannot accurately convey... but I try so that others may get it. 

I try to advocate, educate, tell funny stories and make it all as positive as possible. Everything is in place at school with her 504 Plan that gives her legal protection.  Although sometimes... like today..they tend to forget about it. I try to keep open communication with the faculty and teachers.  For the most part I am really friendly, laid back and positive about everything. Follow the guidelines and nothing goes wrong and I don’t have to get all crazy.

Though, sometimes things slip through the cracks. Sometimes we have to deal with people who push their own agendas or don't read the freaking manual.

Today... I reached my boiling point.  Takes a lot to get me there... but it happened.  I always think I'll feel badly about being such a crazy mom after a few days of cooling off but you know what?  I don't.  You know why?  When my daughter hugged me goodbye the morning as I reminded her to be careful... she knew I was stressed.  She told me thank you for always helping her find a way. That moments like those make her feel like the luckiest girl to have a Mommy like me and to have days and events where she can feel special and forget about the things that make her different. We try to make the most of each day, no matter what.  

And that my friends... is what keeps me going. Like it or not... I'm going to be that crazy mom who flies off the handle when things aren't done properly.  I do it for no one else... but her.   :)