to do...

I’m a woman at her best with a To-Do list. I have itemized lists everywhere... for my dream house remodel, Christmas presents to buy, personal goals for de-stressing my life and Summer Camps To Look Into 2013. I recently read that the human brain is only capable of remembering seven things at once: hence, the brilliance of a To-Do List. If you write it down, you’re more likely to remember to do it. (So they say.)

After this weekend... I’m needing a To Do list on what to do with my kids. Trust me when I say, it’s not a joke. The experts are right. We need to raise less sucky kids. And it’s all in the parenting.

Sooooo.....

My TO DO LIST: Raise kids who don’t suck in the future

1.) Force them to make dinner for whole family once a month. Teaches independence, resourcefulness and how to a use a knife & tourniquet.


2.) Resist ALL temptations to double-knot sneaker laces. Buy a box of band aids for skinned knees caused by tripping. Know that skinned knees heal but kids who don’t feel in control of their own wardrobe malfunctions do not.


3.) Throw away one toy from the playroom when anyone says “I’m bored.” Reinforce in a calm voice, “Don’t be upset. You said yourself it wasn't fun to play with anymore.” Do not pick it out of the trashcan later than night.


4.) Don’t pay allowance for household chores (unless someone pays you to unload the dishwasher, throw used tissues in the trash or make your own bed). Teaches civic & community responsibility. Also teaches that they’ll need a very good education if they want to afford a college-graduate as a maid.


5.) Insist that the kids play outdoors all day on Sunday. Then, insist they clean up all the toys they left in the yard. Then, tell them to put the toys back “EXACTLY” where they found them. Encourages creative play, responsibility for own actions and dealing with OCD bosses and co-workers.


6.) Resist ALL urges to pick up the eraser and show child “That this is what you mean when you say erase it properly.” Same goes for the computer (“This is what you mean by editing the run-on paragraph into a few solid, coherent sentences”). Teaches everyone that 42 year olds have better ways to spend their time than doing 5th grade level homework.


7.) When child is reading silently on the sofa, walk over to the sofa and say, “May I sit here and read next to you?” Read silently for 20 minutes. OR. If reading silently on the sofa and child comes over and interrupts in any way (other than for something that involves blood), say, “Why don’t we read silently next to each other for 20 minutes?” Enjoy the closeness. Enjoy the independence. And enjoy reading a book that isn’t about the stresses of child rearing. If you can accomplish this, then it appears you’re on the right track to raising kids who don’t suck by parents who are to blame.

A few things I've learned....

No matter how much good advice you give to your friends for or against something they are never going to fully listen and will always go with what they want.

Negative thoughts and actions DO effect how you think and feel about yourself. They are unhealthy and should be crushed.

No matter what, even if I stop writing for months, the writer in me can never die.

Friends come and go, but there will be a few that you truly love like family and will never leave you no matter how far apart you grow.

Everybody (including the absolute worst of us) is a human just like you. Unless they are aliens dressed up as humans and trying to run the US. Then they are those instead. :)

Making yourself happy should come first or else you won't be able to please anyone else.

Gifts and charm ALWAYS work.

Being a door mat is never fun, or sexy, or interesting or healthy.

Gender roles are completely constructed. Ignore them.

Empathy and sympathy are not the same thing. Both should be used with caution, but not ignored. They are sometimes necessary.

Don't be afraid to argue or disagree a little. Cause it's fun n'shit.

Don't judge or hate strangers when you don't know their story.

Don't hate rude people because they can't behave respectfully. Just be as nice and cheerful as possible to put them at shame for their unseemly behavior.

Smile and laugh, don't be afraid to joke around. I usually don't take stuff too seriously.

Don't think you can't do something because it becomes true and tortures you.

One must always be interesting. I hate boring. I hate being bored. I lose patience quickly.


Okay, so maybe some of these I'm still working on.... :)

mommyhood.

I read this confession a friend posted on Facebook before I fell asleep last night:

“I really, truly, honestly wish someone–ANYONE–would have told me what it was really like having kids. Before I had them.”

Well... I can safely say it's too late for that person, but for all you yet-to-be-mothers out there who really want to know what it’s like, I’m going to do my very best to describe motherhood for you.

Here it goes.

• Motherhood is middle of the night wake up calls for a glass of water or a fan or a light or a blanket or a bear or a kiss or a band-aid.
• Motherhood is making lunch after lunch after lunch after lunch only to find the healthy contents still in the lunch bag when they return home.
• Motherhood is all of your spending money.
• Motherhood is not remembering what it’s like to get a full night’s sleep.
• Motherhood is wiping more poop than you ever thought you’d see in your life.
• Motherhood is hearing the word “why” at least a hundred times a day and most of the time, not having an answer.
• Motherhood is knowing, just from the touch of a forehead, almost exactly what your child’s temperature is.
• Motherhood is stretch marks on your belly, feet a full size larger than before and sad, deflated boobs.
• Motherhood is finally appreciating your own mother.
• Motherhood is fantasizing over reaching the bottom of the laundry pile, knowing full well that it’s never going to happen.
• Motherhood is singing all the words to your kids favorite songs even though they annoy the hell out of you.  (This includes "Call me Maybe"... ;))
• Motherhood is never feeling at peace unless all of your children are with you, under your own roof.
• Motherhood is always feeling mildly sick but never being able to wallow in your own misery.  Ever.
• Motherhood is never peeing or showering in peace.
• Motherhood is using your sleeves to wipe runny noses and your spit to clean dirty faces.
• Motherhood is being able to identify just who is coming down the stairs based solely on the thudding of their feet above you.
• Motherhood is not even wanting to say “I told you so” even though you did, countless times.
• Motherhood is when, just as you want to curl up into a ball of pure exhaustion and desperation, one of your children suddenly farts or burps or does something spontaneously funny. It’s the moment when you dissolve into a hysterical fit of laughter; the kind that you haven’t had since you and your seventh grade BFF were caught passing notes about which boy in your class you’d most want to be stuck in a closet with. It’s the moment you pause and look at your children, all piled on your bed, breathless and rosy cheeked, and think that the only things that really matter in the world are right there in front of you. They are yours, and they are worth every sacrifice and sleepless night.
• And then, it’s the moment, two seconds later, when one of them will accidentally kick the other one in the face... and the other will bite in retaliation and you will wish...for the hundredth time that day... that you could just rewind time and savor that peace and joy for more than an instant.

Rinse and repeat a million times.

that getting older thing....

It's my daughter's 10th birthday in a few weeks.  And for some reason... that makes me feel old.  I remember when she was born thinking... when she's 10.. I'll be 42 (almost 43!)  Yikes.  Time really does go by quickly.  Here it is 2012.  And I'm 42.  Almost 43. I'm not too sure I'm ready.  I don't want to get any older!  Let me tell you a few observations that have been flipping through my brain as of late:

While watching “Moneyball,” I spent most of the movie cheering on Brad Pitt’s deep forehead wrinkles because if Brad can pull off his then clearly I'm pulling off mine.

When my children ask if me if I would take them swimming at the Aquatic Center, my first thought is “Damn it, I’ll need to wax.”  My second thought is “Where can I buy a suit with one of those skirts attached?”

I spend an inordinate amount of time massaging cream on the backs of my hands because I read somewhere that you can tell a woman’s real age by the look of her hands (and not her smooth-as-ice, botoxed-forehead).  Sure.  I remember my grandma’s hands.  Dry and bony and so NOT what’s going to happen to mine.

When I see a young mother struggling with her young children at the grocery store, I resist the urge to say, “You’ll look back on these years with such longing.  They grow up so quickly” because I thought those women were crazy.   And annoying.   And clueless.  Then, you say it.   Because it’s SO true.

I’ve stopped ranting against the Kardashian sisters and Snooki because I know it’s just a matter of time before they go the way of Paris Hilton and ah, how I'’ll enjoy the ensuing moments of dignified quiet.  That is, until they’re replaced by the next crop of media-whoring, sorry-excuse-for-a-role-model-to-young-women ladies scrambling to grace the cover of OK! Magazine.   And yes, I did just say whoring.  And I meant it.

I use inappropriate words without remorse because I’ve seen enough bullshit to last me the next forty two years... and some days, I just want to call a clown “a clown”and a donkey “an ass.”  Even when the circus ain’t in town.

I panic when I enter a bookstore.  So many books.  So little time.

At the doctor’s office, I not only read the articles about 50+ year old actresses lamenting the loss of strong, sexy roles with a sense of dread and foreboding, but I find myself slathering on more hand cream as I read.

I can’t stop using the expression, “That’s ’cause you know where your bread is buttered.”    Not sure why.  But it works.  In so many contexts.

A day of lugging cases and cases of Girl Scout cookies around hurts at night.  A bottle of wine hurts in the morning.  But kisses and hugs make it all better.  And 5 tablets of Motrin.

What not to do on a Sunday night.....

1.) Don’t drink a latte at 8:30 pm. You’ll regret it at 2 am.

2.) Ummmm.... Oops.

3.) Find ways to amuse yourself quietly so as not to wake anyone.

4.) Don't log on to Facebook and Pinterest. One can get lost for hours there.. however I now have a ton of bookmarked pages for holiday decor.

5.) Do surf a lot of shoe sites.

6.) Don’t give yourself a European bikini wax.

7.) Ever!

8.) Do pull out the first chapter of your incomplete novel from the armoire.

9.) Don’t read it.

10.) Do curse Hemingway, King, Seuss and any other damn prolific writer you’ve heard someone praise.

11.) Do read your past blog posts and tell yourself you’re not a terrible writer. Not really. You’ve got potential. Kinda.

12.) Don’t wonder if your followers are only following you because they’re your friends and they’re afraid you’ll know when they unfollow you and then, wow, won’t that be awkward at the next Christmas Cookie swap party.

13.) Don't watch Infomericals. I am in awe of the sheer amount of Ah-Maz-Ing products out there that I never knew existed. For instance, how in the world have I lived my whole life without using InstaHang? I mean, I have spent years hanging pictures with a plain old hammer and nails. Never again my friend! And I really think the Hypnosis Weight Loss program is going to be what finally does the trick for me. Seriously, those 'actual customers' said it really worked for them. I'm a believer!

14.) Do know that you’re screwed in three hours when the kids come and ask you to make their lunches because it really will be morning time.

15.) Don’t post that blog list you dashed off in a moment of 2 am inspiration ’cause anything that seems witty at 2:44 am is certainly not witty at 10 am.

16.) Oops.

Candy will make me dumb?

The newest “As if I don’t have enough on my plate already” scientific study was out earlier this year.  Let me save you the 7 minutes to read it.

Eating anything made with processed sugar (in the form of corn syrup) messes up your brain function.

Yup.  They have the rats to prove it.  You eat sugar?  You an idiot.  Say yes to that slice o’ birthday cake?  Might as well let them take a swing at your head with the pinata stick.  Coca Cola?  One-way ticket to failing out of college.  Banana Split?  You be one dumb monkey.

So, let’s add it to our list, shall we?

THINGS TO DO to be smarter & healthier:

1.)  Exercise every day

Oops.  Meant to take that power walk but there’s so much on my To Do list.   I swear, I’ll show up at the gym tomorrow.  And maybe I won’t be late.  Or have to leave early.

2.)  Sleep 7 – 8 hours every night

Well, started reading email before going to bed, then surfed web for an hour, then my daughter started talking in her sleep and there's a Three's Company marathon on at 3 am....

3.)  Drink 6 – 8 glasses of water every day

What’s the word on drinking out of a BPA-laden plastic water bottle that sat in a hot, sunny car all week?  Another cup of coffee, anyone?

4.)  Eat fruit and veggies every day

On no.  Forgot to buy them at the Farmer’s Market.  And I didn’t wash them.  Wait, I did wash them but, oh no, the tap water has higher-than-recommended concentrations of arsenic.    Is that bad?

5.)  Find time to relax, get calm and “do nothing”

So, it appears that while meditating, I forgot to pick up the kids from the bus-stop, swing by the grocery store to buy dinner, return that phone call to my boss, and book the plane tickets for spring break and oh, no, doesn’t Mehri have an orthodontist appointment??  Shit, shit, shit.

6.)  Don’t consume caffeine, sugar, alcohol, drugs or cigarettes

You see, I was at Wegmans the other night and in that lovely "Nature Section" they only sell things that are good for you (right?) and yeah, I just walked through the kitchen to get a glass of a water and there was a tub of Wegmans chocolate-covered raisins and yeah, what I need now is a little sugar-pick-me-up.  Who wouldn’t shove a handful into their mouth?  No one’s watching, right?  Oh no.   What’s happening?  My list isn’t done but me no ‘member how to typ…

who do I want to be when I grow up?

My Daughter:  “Mom, of all the famous ladies alive now, who do you like the most?

Me:  “Oh, that’s hard to say.”

My Daughter:  “But if you had to choose.  Who do you love?”

Me:   “Does she have to be famous?”

My Daughter:  “Yes.  Or else you’ll say ‘Me.’ ”

Me:  “Famous to me or famous to everyone?”

My Daughter:  “Famous like on those magazines you read."
Me:   “Can I choose different parts from different ladies?”

My Daughter:  “That’s not the game.  But.  Okay, fine.  And you have to choose ONLY ONE who you want to be when you get older.  Those are the rules.”

Ok... let 's play!

_____________________________________________________

Some Famous Alive Ladies & Their Part(s) I Really Like

*

Tina Fey

Her perfect funny and perfect nose.  Both are sharp and pointed.

*

J. K. Rowling

Her copious, creative writing skills.  (LOVE that creative writing!)  870 pages in one volume?  And kids read all of them?  The first twenty pages of my “great American love story” have taken me four years to write.  And no one wants to read them.  Trust me on this.

*

Michelle Obama

Her seriously awesome “Don’t Fuck with me” thing.  In a gorgeous State Dinner gown or a “growing your own organics” stained sweatshirt, I wish I could exude that kind of scary.   Oops.  I meant to say, ‘Her “Don’t Fool with me” thing.’  Sorry.... my mouth.

*

 Arianna Huffington

Her accent, perfectly-coiffed hair and reasonable “Left-Right-And-Center” comments.  But mainly, for her accent.

*

Julie Andrews

Her cross-generational If-that’s-singing-then-I-want-to-do-singing inspiration.   There’s nothing sweeter than hearing Mehri or Darya lull themselves to sleep with “those songs that the lady sings in that mountain movie.”  It’s one of my favorite things.

*

Meryl Streep

Her grace at being the most talented woman in the room.  No one wants to see her trip up (or down) the steps.  Not even other women.

*

Hilary Clinton

Her enigmatic ambition.  Clearly she’s smart and driven but otherwise, impossible to define.  Actually, I don’t think I want to be like her but I'd love to be a fly on her wall!

*

Oprah Winfrey

Her wealth.  Billions.  Self-made.   She wields the same kind of influence as a dozen male Forbes billionaires.  What woman doesn’t want that?

*

Ellen DeGeneres

Her next-door neighborliness.  Self-deprecating but not insecure.  Up-on-gossip but not catty.  Smart but not arrogant.   She makes you want to bake a bundt cake.   That’s good for America.

*

Madonna

Her deep, unrelenting love of herself.  Every woman should love herself this much.  Just think about the problems we could solve if all women around the world felt as good about themselves as she does.

*

One Alive Lady Who I’d Like To Be When I Get Older

 *

Betty White

Because of her charmed octogenarian life.  When I’m 80, I want to be that involved in the world around me, even if it’s just doing fun stuff.  Wait.  She’s 90?!   Well then, it’s settled.  I SO want to be Betty White when I grow up.